Long Distance Relationship, LDR, New advice and tips by President of The Association of Agony Aunts. I am thoroughly trained and tested, recommended by lots of celebrities, the Press, radio and television. Email me here.
The truth is that some people are suited to long distance while others are not. A typical example of someone who is suited to it is a woman who has a loving and large family that she spends a lot of time with, lots of friends, a busy job and a lot of hobbies. That way she looks forward to seeing her man next time they can get together without sitting around twiddling her thumbs inbetween, she does not get lonely or bored and she does not worry about him cheating on her or lying to her because her life is good and she enjoys it and she has a lot of good things in it. She does not need advice. She is too busy to go online for hours hoping to find someone worth meeting. She is not interested in playing the field and doing casual relationships, so having this arrangement with a guy who sees her when he can and keeps in touch inbetween is ideal for her.
A typical example of someone who is not suited to it is a female who lives on her own, gets easily bored, does not have family or friends, a busy job or hobbies and is a worrier. She would be more likely to get in a state and miss the guy a lot when he is not there. She might also be tempted to try to get him to change things, nag him, question him, pester him with texts, calls or emails, and a lot of things that would drive most men potty and maybe get them to want to end the relationship altogether!!
A lot of the upset caused by this type of relationship are where one is very keen on the other and the other is less keen and the one who is very much in love or infatuated feels neglected by the other. But you have to bear in mind that even if the other one lived much nearer or had different or less commitments that is no guarantee that things would be better. If they are not keen they are not keen, and no matter how much time they have that will not change that.
I once had a client who was dating a guy who was in the navy. She used to long to see him and lead a quiet home based life busying herself making jam, baking cakes, knitting, reading, watching television, playing with her dogs and quite ordinary things. She enjoyed the life she had and if her man had been around more he would have got in her way and been a nuisance. She enjoyed knowing that she would see him in a month or so far more than she enjoyed the time they spent together. They were never together enough to get on each other's nerves or argue, she had no wish to be married or live with him full time.
Women who start writing to men who are in prison are similar. Deep down they want a relationships that are safe. They are calling the shots. The man is not able to cheat on them or go off with someone else and he is very unlikely to dump them. They also like to believe that they are somehow helping them even if they have and will never meet. Very often these women are damaged peole with little self esteem and know that a man who is normal with a lot to offer would not want them. They might say they will phone him in a week and it is up to them whether they do or not. In many ways the guy who is in prison needs them a lot more than they need him. Yet they get a lot from this "relationship" even if they have never met this man. If this guy then was to come out of prison the bubble would burst. He would probably not want to be with her and he would probably not be suitable for her. Most intelligent women would not want to move in with or marry a murderer, rapist, drug dealer or burglar. While he is in prison he promises her he is innocent or that he has turned over a new leaf and will never hurt another woman yet he is only promising this because he does not want her to stop showing an interest.
Once I asked a client what they wanted in life and they said "to be happy" well that was very obvious! We all want to be happy and have peace of mind. We would never say we long to be bored, miserable, sad or lonely. Of course I meant what would make them happy! We all look for different things in our way, some make more effort than others, the ones who make the most effort and are realistic are usually the ones that end up happy with all of the things they want. I have seen this time and time again. people who wait for luck or other people to help them become happy never succeed.
If you meet someone that you are very attracted to and like a lot you may be sad that for one reason or another it has to be LDR but surely that is better than not seeing them at all? And that might change and improve later if you both work at it. Quality is always better than quantity. Readers' bulletin board More words of wisdom free of charge . Long distance relationship advice.