How to Get Over Your Ex

How to get over your ex.  Breaking up with someone is one of the most stressful things that can happen to you.   They list the most stressful things as death, redundancy, moving and divorce.  Yet the truth is that how much stress it causes you will depend very much on several things. One of those is your personality and how positive, resiliant and good at problem solving you are,  the other is the extent of the damage caused by the problem.  You need the advice of the best of the agony aunts online. I will tell you how to get over your ex.


Return to header    consult a qualified expert      community group


For example,  if you have been dating someone for a year and you saw them twice a week, had fun with them, were friends with them, and they end the relationship that might cause you some distress. BUT if you had been married to them and seen  them every day for the last 20 years and had children with them and relied on them to pay the bills that should cause you a lot more stress.     If you were marred for fifty years but hated their guts and were bored to tears then you will not miss them at all, you would probably thank the Gods.  


But there again if we take the case of the person who has been dating their "friend" twice a week for a year, a person who is bubbly and has a good network of family or friends, a good job or income, a nice home, a good attitude, will get over it far quicker than the person who is depressed, lonely, lacking in confidence and needy.


How quickly we can sort out a problem or deal with it is 50% down to the problem and 50% down to us and how we are. Some people are born leaders and quick to make decisions, others are followers or wallow in self pity. Some people are good at analysing situations and making decisions that are wise others let others decide for them or wait for luck to change things for them, which sometimes means waiting forever.You cannot change what has  happened but you can take control of the way you deal with it.


Break ups happen to men and women, young and old, rich and poor, and this  article is meant for people of all ages and all situations, so the information here is going to be generalised so that everyone can relate to it.


DEAL WITH ALL OF THE PRACTICAL ISSUES FIRST.  This means that if you have problems with income, money, debts, somewhere to live, access to children, legal matters, then these must be your first priority, no matter how awful you feel.  You will find that when you have sorted them or even if you simply make a list of what to do and work through it, you will feel much better.


WORK ON YOURSELF.  This means that you must not take the break up personally, not think it means there is something wrong with you. It actually means that your partner is a few sandwiches short of a picnic if they are silly enough to want to stop seeing you, and you are far better off without someone who is that silly.  But take this opportunity to access any improvements you can make to yourself.  Perhaps you lose your temper a lot, or you have got into the habit of watching television a lot and being boring, maybe you have let your appearance slip and need to spruce yourself up lookwise, or it might be that you are fine except that you can improve on that by learning a language, taking up a hobby, getting some qualifications, changing your job for an even better one, decorating your home.  When you start doing these things you gain confidence and more than ever realise that your ex was a very stupid person for finishing with you, and you do not want to be in a relationship witha stupid person. Give yourself a year to accomplish whatever and work out how you will do it.


Part of this process is looking to what contribution YOU made to the break up. This bit may hurt!  If you were sitting around with a long face all day then perhaps this could have at least a bit to do with why your ex broke up with you?  You cannot change the past but you can make sure it does not happen again.


The easiest bit and the bit that makes you feel really good is when you decide that TODAY REALLY IS THE START OF YOUR NEW LIFE.  You may remember some good bits to the past but towards the end there may have been tears, doubts, arguments, fights, maybe even violence, lies, so now you have got rid of all that, your life is more peaceful, you are more in charge.  And it is entirely up to you how your future pans out. You can stay single, become celibate, become promiscuous, make more friends, travel, you can get back in touch with people you were too busy to see or your partner did not want you to see, you now have opportunities that were not there before.   And if you fancy painting your home bright red then do it,  there is no interfering or disapproving person looking over your shoulder saying NO.  You might decide to become self employed and own and run your own business and now you do not need permission or advice, you can just decide.   You may decide to change the colour of your hair, you decide.


 Every time you think back with longing to the past with your ex remember all of their nasty habits. Do not put them on a pedestal where you remember how good looking they were or the fantastic sex, remember all the bad bits.  The truth is that if they had been that wonderful it would not have gone wrong or ended but now that you are single that leaves things clear for someone better and more suitable to come along and sweep you off your feet.


Take time to get over the break up. If you want to sit and cry and tell your friends all about how awful it was then do it.  If you prefer to rush around being busy then do it. The thing you must not do though is to rush into looking for someone else to take your ex's place and be your next partner.   A new partner will be a lot more tempted by you if they see that you are a strong, capable, decisive person rather than a clingy one who cannot stand being on their own.  They will want someone who is good company and fun but also who is not wanting them there to be a parent to them.  So, if your idea of a partner is someone to provide money or services or favours for you then that might be why your ex went and it will it a lot harder or more difficult to replace them.


One of my ex clients was a young woman who lived with her parents.  She had no job, no money, no qualifications, no drive, she spent all day watching television and playing with her cat. She had never had a boyfriend, she did not know what a bill looked like.  When she became 45 years of age she got worried that her parents would die and she would have to look after  herself. So she started to seek a man. She said he must be very good looking, younger than her and have a great job with lots of money.   You may be my next client. If so click here.


Another agony aunts client was a lady of about 70 who wanted to find a much younger man who was rich. She did not even want a full relationship with him. She thought he would come around and decorate her flat, put shelves up, mow the lawn, pay her bills, take her out, buy her presents, chat to her, and then go home.                    


Weigh up any possible new partner the way you would a job. The more experience and qualifications you have to offer when you are job hunting the better the working conditions and salary you get offered in return.


You will get over this heartache, you may find that when you look back a year from now it was for the best and you were not really heartbroken, it was more a case of having a dented ego.  If you had ended it you would have felt better but they beat you to it.  And please do not idealise what you used to have by saying it was perfect. Perfect things do not go wrong and life is too short to make do with anything less than perfect. We offer free online advice on lots of issues with hundreds of pages here to choose from, our columnist is a properly qualified expert.  You can also consult our experts for a private 1 2 1 on any issue.


NEVER LET YOUR HEART RULE YOUR  HEAD. THIS IS WHERE MOST WOMEN GO WRONG!  This man may be good looking but do you really want a man that you cannot trust?   Do you really want a guy who would rather be out with his mates or seeing other women?  If you prefer to stay with such a man then you have a lack of confidence and need to sort out why you are like this and why  you are so needy and let people treat you so badly.  You also need to remember that guys will not respect you or treat you nicely if you act like a doormat.  


Remind yourself WHY the relationship went wrong.  If things were so wonderful they would not have ended in the first place.  You must be honest with yourself.  Lust and infatuation are not enough to keep a relationship going and often lead to the other person taking advantage of how needy or keen you are.


The best of the agony aunts online, Charlotte Craig, invites you to use the many forums here for free advice, from amateurs, these will vary, some will talk sense and others will not, and if you want the very best of advice on any other issue, on a 1 2 1 basis you can consult Charlotte, the President of The Association of Agony Aunts, or one of her trained, experienced, qualified experts by phone or email.





















How to get over your ex.