Free advice columns. Did you know that sometimes people deny the truth to themselves and somehow convince themselves that they are quite fine and dandy with their lives when the truth is quite the opposite. Quite often these are the people who talk about how happy they are yet when someone else with more ability and insight looks at what they are saying and how their life really is they can see it. One such person is a client who came to us recently. Her son and daughter in law had decided to emigrate to the other side of the World with their two tiny children and our client had decided to go with them to help them to unpack and get their place ready on their arrival. She was then going to help them settle in a new country and return. On her return she seemed fairly happy that they had gone and that they would not see each other again for a long time as he had promised to talk to her on skyle every Sunday evening. So far as she was concerned it was as simple as that, with them promising to let her go and visit whenever she had the time and money.
Of course as with everything you get what you pay for, what you get without charge is good and it helps but there is nothing better than a private individual and confidential session with a qualified expert, you can consult one here today.
However, when you heard her talking about the son, daughter in law, children and other aspects of the family life you soon realised that her son had decided to emigrate purely to escape from her and her husband. And he had only agreed to chat on skype with her because she nagged him to. Invariably whenever we heard from her or spoke to her she would be low because once again he had "forgotten" their skype chat that Sunday or had been too busy or had been with friends again instead. A month or more would go by without them having their weekly chat. Even though he did not work and had plenty of time and could easily have done those things other days and other times. But this lady could not see any of this.
We then found out that she had a similar arrangement with her grown up daughter who had left home and who was working very long hours as a nurse. This daughter had also promised to chat to her online on skype regularly and was always too busy or forgot. Yet she continued to send the daughter and the son money each week. Sometimes people do not realise how things really are and we can see it but it would not always be prudent to tell them. How would it help this lady to tell her that her son was glad to emigrate to escape from her and welcomes the money she sends him but is not interested in chatting to her now? How would it help her to see this? She did not consult us about this she came to us about another matter. The whole idea of consulting an expert advisor is to feel better after not for them to make you feel low or suicidal. With some things it is better not to know. If you hope to be an advisor one day remember that you give information and opinions on what the client asks you not the other stuff that surrounds it and it has to be in a way that is constructive not destructive.
Similarly we often get people contacting us telling us that they are lonely and desperate to make friends but finding it hard. But you then find out that whenever they speak to potential friends all they do is moan about how miserable they are, or how lonely they are, or how life is tough or how ill they feel. This is not going to get you and keep you friends. Even if you feel awful and your life stinks the way to get and KEEP a friend is to be good company and make them feel good about themselves and their lives. Maybe your life does suck - right now - but boring other people about it will not change it and
will only lead to you never making the friends you want! At least if you are good company, vibrant, laughing and joking, and this leads to you making new friends at least one area of your life improves. It will not improve your finances, job, marriage or the things you are down about but it will tick one of those boxes. If you continue to sabotage every potential friendship that comes your way then nothing ever gets better. Surely you are better knowing that you have at least one friend you can see or chat to sometimes even if the rest stinks? But not to bore them with your misfortunes.
I once spoke to a very wise woman who said she always avoided people who were negative or moaned and she was right. She was also right when she said that women often just moan about things where men take action. Often this is the case. A typical woman will go on about her horrible husband when she would be throwing him out or separating or getting a divorce. Going on about it or nagging him just wastes time and wears you out. But if she goes on about it to her friends she will drive them away too. So she will end up being even worse off than she was when she first started.