Does he love me? How can I know the truth? I can go to see someone like a psychic or a clairvoyant who is well qualified and genuine and they would know the answer, but that is maybe not the right road for me to go down. It might be better for me to be able to get a grip on this myself. In which case I will feel more confident and worry less.
You know I chatted with my sister Rachel about David and asked her what she thought and she was not sure. She was right when she said that I have not known him that long so it is hard to tell, especially as there have been times when we have had big argument and split up for a bit. Then there have been a few times where we simply drifted apart for a while or we just stopped being an item because of an argument that was really big and much worse than the others. Some of those times were awful because I would cry myself to sleep not even sure if we would ever speak to each other again let alone see each other again and when I get down like that I also get quite sick with it where I cannot eat or relax or work or even think of anything else.
David is an unusual guy and this is probably why I love him but there are time when I hate him too. He can be quite loving, kind, caring and compassionate and most of the time he is a very thoughtful person. But then sometimes he gets into these very deep and thoughtful moods where he goes all sulky and moody and wants to be on his own or wants to just go in the other room and not talk to anyone or do anything other than sleep or think. When he gets like that it i quite scary because you want to know if he is going off of you, or if you have done something wrong or upset him somehow. Yet when you get to know him properly you soon realise that it is not becaue of anything YOU have done it is something in him where he is turned on or turned off to everyone and everything around him because of something in his own head.
With someone like David though you can feel close to him and then feel totally estranged from him so this is why I worry. He tells me there is nothing to worry about at all and then we get those times where we are apart or he is sulky again and then it all seems to have changed. Very often it is like you are going through an audition and feel you must forever be on your best behaviour and constantly pleasing him to stay in his good books and this is hard work and also unfair because he never really seems to try to please me to he is sulky again and then it all seems to have changed. Very often it is like you are going through an audition and feel you must forever be on your best behaviour and constantly pleasing him to stay in his good books and this is hard work and also unfair because he never really seems to try to please me too. At these times I get bitter, resentful and angry towards David and yet in a way it is not his fault, he has never asked me to try hard, he has never suggested that he would dump me if I did not do my best, it is just sort of unsaid but still known.
This brings me back to why I wrote this article - if only I could be sure he really cares for me, then this would all be worthwhile, even the very worst of these times when I cry myself to sleep. On the other hand if he only loves himself or loves another or is just making do with me until someone else comes along this is too painful to tolerate. Please do not tell me to ask him. Asking him would do not good. He simply tells you what you want to hear and changes his mind the day after. And you can never be sure that a guy is telling the truth anyway. But I really would like to know if I have a future with him or not. This has been going around and around in my head so much I can barely rest or sleep!
My mum says that she knows that David cares about me a lot and she brought up something that made a lot of sense. She said that I get so insecure I am constantly nagging him for reassurance and there is no way he would keep bouncing back otherwise. A lot of guys would have run off at the first sign of a clingy and needy woman but not him. But I said to her that we must remember that he is needy too and that might be why he puts up with it.
Maybe I should consult one of those people who help in this situations, a proper advice columnist, someone with plenty of experience who knows their stuff, or should I ask free agony aunts that go on those forums online who just do this as a hobby? The fact that the free agony aunts you can ask only do it as a hobby does put me off because this is too important to trust to an amateur. Some of these places are full of young kids. So I think to be sensible it is best to consult the proper advice columist online.
Does he love me?