Coping with rejection - We have had a lot of clients at ask agony aunt writing to us about how they have had trouble moving on when they have been turned down by someone they are keen on. They are wanting and needing to get back their self esteem and confidence and start to feel good about themselves again. This is not so easy to do when someone you want and sort of know has said no to you. Very often we can get quite intoxicated with the idea of being with someone we want and then when they are not feeling the same it hurts. Even if they are only a passing fancy and we were not particularly keen it hurts more when it is one sided. We at ask agony aunt know better than most that coping with anything can be hard but when it is something which is decided by another it is even more difficult. Rejection hurts because it makes us feel vulnerable, makes us feel unwanted and unloveable, it questions how we feel about ourselves and knocks our confidence. In many ways the more confident a person is the more it sends them flying when they have to deal with it,because it probably never occurred to them that it would ever happen to them. A person who lacks confidence is waiting for it and expecting it and prepared for it.
Let us assume that you are coping with rejection and it hurts.The first thing to remember when someone says no to you is that you are still a special and worthwhile person. If they cannot see that then they are simply not worth being with. If they do not agree with this then they are stupid. Only someone with insight and wisdom is good enough for you. Anyone who would turn up down has no wisdom or insight and then makes themselves unworthy of your attention. In order for someone to be worth considering there should be a check list of deal breakers. One of those things should be that the person has something between their ears. If they are simply ordinary or just good looking but without any thought to them why would you want them? If they cannot tell how special YOU are then you should have been turning them down not the other way around. I USUALLY find that when someone gets a bee in their bonnet about wanting someone and it goes wrong that other person did not fit the bill in some very important way anyway. With women they often get all gooey over a guy who is good looking but who has no integrity or job or wants to sponge money off of them or lie to them. Yet they still get all upset when he goes off with someone else. They cannot see that he was not worth considering in the first place. Never ever decide that someone is worth being with purely by one thing by looks. Always have a check list and make sure that all of the things on there are checked off. Be realistic. Do not be greedy. If you are middle aged then do not hanker after someone half your age and wonder why they say no.
Another important point. Prevention is better than cure. Any expert at ask agony aunt will tell you that it is far better to avoid problems than try to sort them out later. Make yourself as special as you can be so that people do not want to say no to you! Instead of having a stream of failures behind you get yourself sorted so that they want you. This may mean splashing out on clothes, getting your hair done, learning a hobby so that you can be more interesting to be with and to talk to. I once had a client who was quite boring. When he went out with a girl he would hardly speak and when he did it would be all about him or just yes or no. Time and time again the girls would end the relationship before it had got under way. You have to work at something for it to turn out and you have to have something to offer. You cannot just be there. The first few meets are crucial in establishing whether or not there may be any point in it continuing and relaxing with each other more. This is just common sense to me but find out if there are any important issues about someone before you get to this stage. Get aid for nothing here.
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I recently spoke to a client at ask agony aunt who went to the USA from the UK - a very long and expensive journey - to meet a guy on a blind date. When she arrived they had a good time but he did not want to see her again because she smokes. Any of the e perts at ask agony aut would have realisedd he should have asked her this before she went all the way over there and it was easy for him to say this then when it was not him that had gone to all of that trouble and expense. If I had been the woman who met him I would not have wanted to know a guy who expected me to do all of the travelling and having all of the expense and then was so picky about something which was quite minor when you look at the whole picture. This woman had offered that she gave up smoking and this was not good enough for him. She was very upset. But the writing was on the wall when he expected her to go chasing after him. He had nothing to lose if he just met her and then got all picky after. He probably made a habit of wanting women to go over there and be with him for a while and then saying he did not want to see them again.